Day 136

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 136 - We welcomed my nephew into the world sometime after 9 p.m. last night.  20 inches or so, and a little over 8 lbs (I know all the ladies want exact time, height, and weight - sorry!).  The boy is already a serious cutie!  Caden had the closest guess to the baby's actual birth date so he was the first to discover the baby's name.  And after we had all gathered in the hospital room Reagan (Leigh's sister) and Jaime gave Caden the honor of announcing to us for the very first time, "Liam Gabriel Guzman!"

Liam was named in honor of his aunt Leigh Ann.  I can barely write that without crying.

We were at the hospital all day as Reagan started contractions yesterday morning.  It was good to sit and wait with a host of family members and our good friend Andra (we took over an entire waiting room!).  The waiting part seemed to go well - lots of excitement and anticipation.  The postpartum experience was a little different.  Such a confusing room to be in.  I'd look at this new life and my heart was flooded with joy.  The first child for this wonderful couple, the pride they were feeling, the miracle of birth.  And then I would wish a thousand times over for Leigh Ann to be there with us.  I could so easily picture how excited she would have been.  How big her smile would be.  How she would have doted all over her nephew.  How it would have taken a team of horses to drag her away from him.  It was something she was looking forward to the moment she found out Reagan was pregnant.  And now the day had arrived and Leigh was missing. 

Tears were falling for most of us in the room.  But our sadness was eclipsed by sheer delight as we all stared at this healthy baby boy.  Our prayers that he will bring such happiness to Reagan and Jaime. 

I'd by lying if I said the sadness has left me.  I'd be lying if I said that times like last night leave me confused, frustrated, and dare I say angry that Leigh died, that God let her die.  Even after sleeping on it I can't remove the thoughts that there will be many more times like this to come.  Bailey and Caden exclaimed last night that they can't wait to have kids of their own.  While we have a few years until that happens there will come a day when I'll welcome grandchildren into the world.  And we'll be right back to last night.  Both terribly sad that Leigh isn't there and terribly excited to welcome a new life.  I want it back to where we were just terribly excited.  

The reality of losing a spouse, a mother, a daughter, a sister is here to stay.  It's not going anywhere.  Every joyous occasion will be forever joined with an undertone of sadness.  And I guess that's okay. It was okay for us to cry last night and still be happy.  And it will be okay in years to come.

Prayer Requests:
- That God would keep little Liam healthy during these first few critical weeks.
- That God would fill the void that Leigh has left in our hearts.

"Father, thank You for a healthy baby.  Thank You for the miracle of new life.  May You somehow let us know Leigh is excited for this little baby and that she's okay not being here.  I'm awfully sad that she isn't here for times like this.  Please allow the joy to eclipse the sadness."

Day 133

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Day 133 - One thing you end up missing when you're apart from someone for so long is their physical touch. I watched a video of Leigh (see tab under "media") because I was in need of hearing her voice. Seems like forever and a day ago since I heard Leigh's voice. But as I watched her on film I ended up missing not just what she sounded like but I missed just being able to be near her. To be in the same room with her again. To be so close to her that I could reach out and hug her. I miss holding her hand.  One reason I think Heaven will last forever is because when I see Leigh again I will hold her for at least that long.

I know we'll see each other again one day but in case that day isn't for another 50 years (and sadly it could literally be 50 years until I see her face to face) I can't let my heart begin to get excited about something like that. Too much pain because I want to be near her so badly. I really can't remember what it's like to be in the same room with her. I can picture bits and pieces of seeing her come into a room with her infectious smile, or sitting around the table playing games and laughing, but they're only bits and pieces. And honestly I'm tired of having to strain my memory to try and remember what life was like when Leigh was here.


What stinks about tonight is that today was actually a good day. I led worship for my brother's church, the kids had some pool time with their cousins. But then we got home and "missing her" kind of settled in for the night.

I fixed dinner and it was just the four of us around the kitchen island.

I enjoyed eating with the kids but tonight was a night when the five of us, not four of us, would be talking about how fun the weekend was, and what we're going to do during our final weeks of summer. Tonight was a night to listen to Leigh Ann talk about how excited she is because her sister is due to deliver her first baby any day now. It was a night where I needed to hear "Mom," peppered throughout the dinner conversation. Instead we chatted briefly and then moved to another activity.  My activity was to watch some videos of Leigh, which caused the tears to fall, which caused Bailey to ask, "Are you thinking about Mommy again?"  Somewhat typical in our house.

Tomorrow is a new day. It will be like today in that it will have highs and lows. Nonetheless it will be new. Another chance for me to see what God has for me. Another chance to make Him known to others. Another chance to not answer the question, "why her and why not me?" but rather to accept the reality and to make the best of it. Another day to praise Him for His peace, goodness, and strength. And another day to miss the one I love most.

Prayer Requests:

- Prayers that I'll be able to be honest with my kids about how I'm feeling day to day

- Prayers for the upcoming school year

"Father, thank You for a tremendous weekend with friends and family. Thank You for providing a time for sweet fellowship. As my heart continues to break may I continue to trust in You. Thank You for never letting go of me. Thank You for taking good care of Leigh Ann. Please let her know I love her so much and I miss her tremendously. I love You."

Day 132

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 132 - Good friends that make up the Bible study Leigh and I have attended this past year came to me a few weeks after Leigh died and gave me the funds to take a vacation with the kids.  After much thought as to what would make for a good getaway, the kids and I invited all our family and a few friends to join us for an overnight to a local swim park and hotel.  We swam together, ate several meals together, golfed together.  More than anything we simply enjoyed each other's company. 

My extended family is quite unique in the fact that we all get along.  We honestly enjoy family get togethers.  Yesterday and today was no exception.  We're all leaning heavily on each other as we go on this journey together.  As we gathered for dinner last night, over 25 of us, I couldn't help but look around and think of how Leigh Ann had touched each life in the room.  How each of us could have told several stories of what Leigh meant to us and how she has made us all better people. Another testimony to what kind of person Leigh Ann was. 

As has been the case the entire summer, lots of tears were fell throughout the weekend.  But new memories continue to be made.  Memories that Leigh would want us to have.  I'm sure of that.  I honestly can't wait for Heaven but I'm glad that in the meantime there can be moments of joy and laughter.  Some of those moments...

Malia, Bailey, and Caden enjoying the park (Wet-n-Wild)

Even the "old man" can still make it down first!

Kids and I had a great time

Golfing with friend Howard, my dad, and friend Jeremy

Lunch with everyone

Day 128

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 128 - "Rain, rain, go away..."  Monsooned a little the other night.  Right before kids were jumping in the shower/bath Caden noticed it was pouring outside.  When the rain hits our back porch it comes down in sheets which makes for a fun place to both watch the rain and play in the rain.  The kids chose the latter.  What was going to be a mundane, ho-hum, take baths and showers turned into three naked kids having a blast in the rain.  You would've thought they'd never seen rain before.  Dancing, handstands, screaming.  All because water was falling from the sky.  They were having so much fun and I was soaking in every second. 

It's amazing when an unexpected burst of happiness comes our way, how unfiltered the kid's joy seems to be.  I know they're experiencing tremendous amounts of loss (Caden cried in my arms at the cemetery last Sunday), but they seem to be able to enjoy the moment for what it is.  It started to rain and they started to dance.  I watched them run around and very much wanted to join them (clothed of course!).  I wanted to just be happy in the moment.  But for as much as I loved watching them get drenched I was equally sad that Leigh was missing this moment.  I didn't want anyone else there but Leigh.  It was too good of a moment to experience alone, without her.  

I don't have my theology on human life all squared-away, nice and neat anymore.  It used to be easy to think about because my life was easy.  Now, life is now a complete mystery to me save the only simple truth I'm rediscovering every day - that God loves me, He saved me, and my life is to be an offering to Him.  Outside of this, it's a crap-shoot.  Death can come at any moment, cancer can invade a life in a heartbeat, divorce will leave many dazed and confused, even something as common as losing your child for a minute or two in a store becomes an instant reminder that there are no guarantees this side of Heaven.  I miss Leigh Ann every day so much my entire body aches.  And I'm not alone in my pain.

So where's the fairness that life supposedly owes us when my kids are enjoying the rain and Leigh isn't there to enjoy it with them?  When Caden's crying at a cemetery?  When all she was doing was waiting at a stop light to come home?  I wanted to rain to "go away" not because I don't like rain.  I wanted it to "go away" because the sorrow was outweighing the joy.  I'm so glad the kids can be happy in the moment and enjoy it for what it is.  I hope they're able to do that for many months to come.

"God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good."  Makes for a great chant in the middle of a church service.  Quite another thing to really believe it.  My head is there.  My heart is day to day.

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that God would continue to show His love to my friends and family who are struggling.
- Prayers that God would invade my kid's lives in a fresh, new way.
- Prayers that I would be able to manage work and home life as school will start again shortly

"Father, I can't help but often wonder what it means that 'You've got it all worked out,' and, 'all things work together for good...' In the midst of this immense pain it's so hard to believe that You were right in the middle of the accident and knew that Leigh's time on Earth was to end that fateful night.  It's so much easier to believe that You weren't paying attention and that a mistake was made.  But I know that's not who You are.  I know that You're sovereign and in control.  I know nothing escapes You.  I know You're love for Leigh is what allows her to enjoy Heaven even right now.  I know You have a plan.  And I want to offer my life to You so that Your name will be praised by all who know me or the kids.  But Father the pain is intense and it doesn't go away.  May peace be granted so that I can see and believe Your goodness."

Day 124

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 124 - "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?  Malia stole the cookies from the cookie jar..."  Actually there was no jar but there were cookies.  Malia came into my room tonight and asked if she could have a cookie.  I specifically told her she could have one cookie before bed (sorry to all those who forbid sweets).  Bailey followed Malia by 15 minutes asking if he could have five cookies.  "No, you may have one cookie."  "Then why does Malia get five?"  After summoning Malia to my room she entered with three cookies in her hand (btw - we eat Chips Ahoy! in my house), and chocolate all over her cheeks.  There were questions asked, justifications given, and lots of darting eyes.  Malia did hear me say only one cookie and she disobeyed me and took five.  It's two minutes to bed time.  What do I do?  

When Leigh was alive this would have been an easier decision.  One of us could play disciplinarian and one could play comforter.  But now I have to have that delicate balance of playing both roles.  I have to show a four-year old that disobeying dad comes with consequences and at the same time tell her she never has to be afraid of telling me the truth.  I can't tell you how much I missed Leigh Ann in that very moment.  

I sent Malia to her room and told her I'd be in to discuss her poor choices.  When I walked in her room she was lying on her bed, blankets over her face.  I was at a loss for words knowing that she was ready to lose it at any moment.  "Malia, I need you to know that taking five cookies makes daddy feel bad because I told you to take only one.  Now when you ask me for a cookie I'll have to come with you to make sure you only take one.  Do you understand?"  The loud sobbing began.  It's late, I'm tired, and now I feel bad that my daughter is crying her little eyes out because she thinks she's done something terrible. 

I was tempted to get off her bed, leave the room, let her finish crying, and then enter back in for some more dialogue.  Instead I laid down next to her and put my arm around her and let her cry 'til she was done.  I wanted to communicate to her that I will always love her even when things don't go so well.  Maybe by just being there, snuggled together, she got the message.  The crying eventually stopped and we laid there until she told me she was ok.  At least one of us was ok.

This is the second time in 24 hours that I've had to play "judge," and, "comforter."  Bailey, allegedly, hit his sister in the stomach after she, allegedly, knocked a toy out of his hands.  I only heard the testimonies from both parties and then had to make an immediate decision.  One thing I don't tolerate is my kids hitting each other.  So I took Bailey to his room and administered some discipline.  He cried pretty hard.  I know it's cliche, but I felt bad.  Not because he had to be disciplined, but because he had no other parent to listen to his side of the story.  He had no other parent to come in and gently explain why it was wrong to hit his sister.  He had no other parent to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright.  I tried to do all of those things but I wonder how much weight it carries when I'm also the one who carries out the discipline. 

124 days since Leigh died.  Seems like I find new reasons to miss her almost daily.  I needed my wife tonight, the kids needed their mom tonight.  Life isn't all that fair.  

Leigh, if you're listening, please know that you're missed more than you'll ever know.

Prayer Requests:
- Wisdom to know what to do as a parent.
- For God's love to be the source of my kids' feeling loved.

"Father, I know there are so many people worse off.  I know I have so much to be thankful for.  But in moments like tonight, when I'm missing Leigh Ann so much, I just can't get past why she had to die.  I think the kids are getting short-changed and I'm frustrated.  I'm thankful Leigh knew You and that You've given her eternal life.  I pray she would know how much we love her and miss her."

Day 121

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 121 - Four months has now passed since Leigh Ann died.  For those who have been in this "game" much longer, four months is like a drop in the bucket.  I guess I'd say the same to someone who is four days into his/her loss.  Saddens me to think there are those who have gone four years, fourteen years, some even forty years.  Will I really post a journal entry some day saying it's been four years since Leigh Ann died?  Fourteen years?  Will I be eighty-one years old and write that it's been forty years?  Should I live to that age I guess so. 


I don't know what "moving on" is.  People say that to me.  You see it in the movies.  Someone goes through something traumatic and it seems like life is over for them, yet in exactly 128 minutes the sun is back out and the person has "moved on."  Things are back to normal or even better.  Four months later and I'm not seeing it in my "movie."  Things will never again be normal.   The kids will never again wake up and have breakfast with their mom and dad.  Malia will never again go clothes shopping with her mom.  Caden will never again have his mother's wisdom to help him with girls.  Bailey will never again have his mom tickle him before he goes to bed.  I'll never again look at the woman I married 14 years ago and ask her out for a Friday night date.  We're at the four month mark and things are not better.  No matter how many pictures I can post of the four of us smiling, Leigh's death still weighs tremendously heavy on our hearts.  My heart aches every hour of every day. 


The kids are growing up.  I know that seems odd in that it's only been four months.  But it's true.  I see it.  I see it in their actions, their words, their looks.  The first few weeks after Leigh died time seemed to stop.  Every decision revolved around the accident.  Today it feels like the clock has begun ticking again.  Bailey still goes to bed each night even without the tickles.  Caden's interest in girls is slowly growing and he'll still need some wisdom.  Malia will need to go clothes shopping for her upcoming year of preschool.  Life continues on and we'll have to adapt.  I certainly don't want it to be this way.  I don't want to wake up one more day without Leigh Ann.  But the painful reality of death is I'm left with no other choice. 


The summer days continue without the one we love the most.  Lots of "firsts" still ahead.  Too many if you ask me.


Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that I'd continue finding peace in God's Word.
- Prayers that I'd know how to handle the times when the kids are fighting.
- Prayers to experience more of God's love.


"Father, it's a really tough day today.  I'm not looking forward to many more days if they're going to be like this.  I know You're good and I know You have a plan.  I pray today that I'd see some of Your plan unfold.  I do love You and my life is Yours.  Just don't understand why You allowed Leigh to go when she had so much to give."

Day 116

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 116 - Returned from our trip to San Diego.  Two major components included:  Time at the Beach (La Jolla) and the San Diego Zoo.  The kids and I travelled with Leigh's parents, Leigh's brother and his family, and Leigh's sister, Reagan.  Obviously, the only person missing was Leigh. 

Aside from wanting a little more sun (cloudy all four days), there was nothing we should have done different.  We all had a good time, as good as could be.  Went running along the beach one morning and couldn't help but praise God for the wonderful beauty in His creation.  In fact, His workings could be seen everywhere I looked.  It's not hard to praise Him when you look at miles of beach and then remember that His thoughts toward us "outnumber the sand." (Psalm 139:18). Really?  God thinks about us that much?!  I remember walking throughout the zoo and thanking God for the great diversity in His creatures.  What creativity He has!

Caden and I listened to an audio book while driving to and from San Diego - Deadline, by Randy Alcorn.  A great read.  Christian fiction involving crime, murder, and salvation.  One of the best parts of the book is listening to what one of Alcorn's character experiences in Heaven.  The author uses the Bible as the foundation for all his thoughts on Heaven so I was engrossed with this book while passing through Gila Bend, Yuma, etc.  Through tears, I was all the more confident that Leigh Ann is well taken care of, she is with her Savior, she is experiencing the fullness of life, and we will see each other again. 

With that said, there was no doubt Leigh was sorely missed on this trip.  Everyone would have given anything on the planet to have her with us, enjoying the beach, playing with her kids in the ocean, laughing with her family, exploring the zoo with people she loved.  But such will never be the case this side of Heaven.  So we'll continue to make new memories the best we know how. 

Some of those memories...

Day 109

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Day 109 - A fun day of ice-skating was book-ended by tears.  Somewhat of the norm.  Wasn't expecting to wake up and cry my way through the first hour of the day but some days that's what you get I guess.  I had to put the finishing touches on Leigh's gravestone which had me thinking about her a lot.  This, coupled with seeing a picture of her in some summer attire, caused me to want her back very badly.  Leigh Ann loved the summer.  Her favorite season by far.  And seeing her in that picture reminded me of how desperately I wanted to enjoy the summer with her.  Doing it alone isn't at all the same.

Tonight was rough.  Bailey lost his DS so we spent time looking for it (found it), which made us all a little irritable.  As bed time approached I found Caden in bed crying.  He too was missing Leigh Ann.  This of course made me start crying again.  Just a "raw" night emotionally.  I know they're necessary so that we can all deal with what we're feeling but truth be told I'm not a huge fan.  I'd much rather be having a family night with Leigh where we're all wrestling, dancing around, watching a movie, eating popcorn, enjoying a sweltering summer night.  Instead, my 10 year-old is trying to make sense of missing someone so much that he's crying himself to sleep.  To say I hate this would be a gross understatement.

That's how the day started and ended.  But like an Oreo, the good stuff was in the middle.  The four of us tried ice-skating this afternoon.  Malia and Bailey's first time.  They were all troopers.  I'm not seeing any Michelle Kwans or Scott Hamiltons just yet, but who knows?!

Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that me and the kids would continue to talk openly about how we're feeling
- Prayers that God would give me wisdom
- Prayers that we'd extend grace, patience, and forgiveness to each other

"Father, thanks for three healthy kids.  Thanks that we can enjoy some physical activity.  I pray that you'd speak to Caden, Bailey, and Malia in a way that only You can.  Take care of them.  Let them experience Your goodness."

Day 106

Monday, June 21, 2010


Day 106 - Technology is something I'm glad I have, but tonight it worked against me.  Scrolling through my phone I happened upon Leigh's contact information.  Shortly after her death (March 6th) I began the process of trying to move forward as best I knew how.  For me this entailed finding that balance of keeping things in the house that would honor her (pictures of her, pictures of our family, etc.) and removing things that I knew would never be used again (her clothes, her toiletries, her books, etc.).  One thing I have not done though is to remove her contact information from my phone.  No right or wrong, I just wanted to hang on to that for a while longer.


My phone is set up in such a way that it keeps all my texts by way of "threads," so I can see all the conversations I've had with someone.  As I happened upon Leigh's contact information I started reading the last few days of texts we had sent to one another.  I read what we talked about on March 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th.  In a moments time I was immediately taken back 106 days and was reliving the conversations I had with my wife.  I could hear her voice through her texts as clear as if I were talking with her today.  We didn't discuss world peace or the latest Obama speech.  We talked about missing each other throughout the day and what our plans were going to be for the upcoming weekend.  We talked about the kids schedules and finances.  On March 5th Leigh texted me that she asked her mom to watch the kids so we could go clothes shopping and grab some dinner.  After deciding to eat at Black Angus (one of Leigh's favorite restaurants) she texted, "Oh sweet, now I'm excited..." which I could just see her smiling and truly being excited to do some shopping and eat some steak.  Neither of us knew that would be our very last "date." 


My last text on March 6th reads, "Where are you?"  I had no idea Leigh Ann had died and was already in Heaven. 


106 days later and the tears fall as painfully as they did on Day 1.  All it takes is a little reminder, through a cell phone, that the person who meant the most to you is now gone, and your night goes from manageable to unmanageable.  I had forgotten what Leigh Ann sounded like and it all came back to me.  Now I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone.


I sure hope God knows what He's doing. 


"Father, this road is hard.  There's nothing enjoyable about it.  I envy those whose lives are status-quo.  I'm tired of the memories, the pain, the tears.  I'm trapped in this life of missing Leigh Ann so much it's beyond painful.  I pray for answers."

Day 105

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Day 105 - Was invited to play with our worship team this morning.  The first time since Leigh's death that I've been infront of people.  Didn't know what to expect.

I've played guitar off and on for a while and have even led worship a few times in various venues over the years.  This morning ranks among one of the best experiences I've had worshipping with a praise team. We played for three services and I could have played for a dozen more.  One of those times when everyone was freed up to worship while leading worship (it's harder than it sounds).  I'll remember this morning for a long, long time.  Amy sang "How He Loves," by David Crowder in the middle of the set and it was all I could do to keep the tears from falling. Some of the lyrics...

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are, and how great Your affections are for me.

I so wanted Leigh to experience what I was experiencing but then I thought, "If earthly worship can be this good, what in the world is heavenly worship like?!  Could it be that the wonderful experience I had is "the norm" where Leigh is?  I'll bet it is.  I still missed her though.

- Friends from my Life Group (bible study) who were all on stage this morning.  Zach played drums, Matt led worship, I played guitar with Matt, and Amy sang.  These guys are all super-talented so it was a privelege to be on the same stage with them.