Wednesday, December 15th, 2010
Day 283 - Malia's great love these days is children. She adores her baby cousin Liam, constantly wants to go over to the neighbors to play with their newborn, and when she can't be near a real baby she finds comfort in playing with one of the dozens of dolls in her room.
Tonight turned out to be a difficult one as Bailey and Malia spent a few minutes before bedtime watching a video of Leigh Ann. Bay had asked to use my laptop so he and Malia could watch a video in his room. I just didn't know it was that video. Had I known I wouldn't have allowed them to watch it, not because I don't want them remembering Leigh, but because I know what this does to them especially right before they have to go to bed.
Bailey's crying lasted for quite some time but after back scratches and hugs he calmed down (enough to shut his eyes). Malia, who rarely cries from missing Leigh, had her head buried in her pillow when I went into her room. After several attempts to get her to turn over she admitted that she too was sad. And when she started to cry the only thing I could think of was babies. I told her my guess is that mommy is up in Heaven taking care of all the little babies who have died before their mommys and daddys. I told her mommy is really busy and that one day she may need a helper and I asked Malia if she'd like to be mommy's helper one day. She said she'd like that. Then she shut her eyes and now she's asleep.
There's no magic formula to grieving. You try your best to remedy the situation and tonight the thought of Malia helping Leigh Ann in Heaven seemed to have worked for her.
I'll admit not too much these days is working for me. I see three "babies" right in front of me that are in desperate need for their mother. Only God knows how all of this makes sense.
I continued to watch the video and I should have taken my own advice - not a great thing to do before bedtime.
"Father, bring peace to Bailey and Malia tonight. Let their little hearts find rest in You."
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Day 281
Monday, December 13th, 2010
Day 281 - Kids and I were able to do some ministry together last Friday night. My school held it's annual Christmas Extravaganza whereby a host of students sang, played instruments, and acted for a sold out crowd. I had the privilege of bringing the message while the kids joined the children's choir and sang a few numbers. A great way to spend a Friday night...
Somewhere in the middle of this cloud of grief that seems to be hanging over me this Christmas season I was able to find reprieve by watching the kids get all dressed up and sing their hearts out. I was able to find satisfaction and maybe even some purpose when I was able to tell a crowd of 700 the wonderful news of our Savior. The evening was a much needed break from gift lists, to do lists, parties, events.
It's been a few days and now it's back to gift lists, to do lists, and events. I'm seeing Leigh Ann more in this holiday than the others. Makes enjoying it rather difficult but there's not much I can do about it. Thankfully all the running around keeps me from sitting at home dwelling on what is to come. Watching the kids open presents by myself will be surreal I'm sure. But this is our reality and so we'll live in it as best we can. The experts say that year one is the hardest. We're finding that out during this holiday season.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for one of our Valley Christian H.S. students who lost her mother to cancer over the weekend. Memorial service will be on Saturday. A tragedy that this student will spend Christmas without her mother. Thankfully the mother knew the Lord and I'm sure is rejoicing with Leigh in Heaven!
- I'd love prayers for strength. Just a tough season for me right now.
"Father, thank You for continuing to unfold Your plan for me and the kids. Thank You for opportunities to tell others about You. May You comfort Katie and her family as they begin to discover what life is like without their mother. Please take care of them this week. I love You."
Day 281 - Kids and I were able to do some ministry together last Friday night. My school held it's annual Christmas Extravaganza whereby a host of students sang, played instruments, and acted for a sold out crowd. I had the privilege of bringing the message while the kids joined the children's choir and sang a few numbers. A great way to spend a Friday night...
It's been a few days and now it's back to gift lists, to do lists, and events. I'm seeing Leigh Ann more in this holiday than the others. Makes enjoying it rather difficult but there's not much I can do about it. Thankfully all the running around keeps me from sitting at home dwelling on what is to come. Watching the kids open presents by myself will be surreal I'm sure. But this is our reality and so we'll live in it as best we can. The experts say that year one is the hardest. We're finding that out during this holiday season.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for one of our Valley Christian H.S. students who lost her mother to cancer over the weekend. Memorial service will be on Saturday. A tragedy that this student will spend Christmas without her mother. Thankfully the mother knew the Lord and I'm sure is rejoicing with Leigh in Heaven!
- I'd love prayers for strength. Just a tough season for me right now.
"Father, thank You for continuing to unfold Your plan for me and the kids. Thank You for opportunities to tell others about You. May You comfort Katie and her family as they begin to discover what life is like without their mother. Please take care of them this week. I love You."
Monday, December 6, 2010
Day 274
Monday, December 6th, 2010
Day 274 - Nine Months
Dear Leigh Ann,
As Malia and I drove home from her Little Ladybugs Preschool Christmas performance tonight the reality set it that it's futile to continue to add up all the events we've done without you. Life continues and we're trying our best to be a part of it because we know that's what you would want. We can't stay idle though I could have very easily hibernated these past nine months.
The hurt is still here. Every event that's added to the calendar is still painful to carry out. Driving to and from parties, celebrations, performances without you still produces tears. I want you to be a part of all this. The kids are growing up and they miss seeing you at all the things that matter to them. I miss seeing you because I know how excited you'd be for them. I hurt so much because of all that you're seemingly missing. Not having an ounce of an idea of what Heaven is like I doubt you're feeling completely the same but if for any reason you think, even for a second, that we're doing okay without you, we're simply not. God is taking good care of us but we desperately want you back. I need you more than I've ever needed you.
I continue to replay the accident over and over again. It's still fresh in my mind and still very surreal. It had to be your day to work. It had to be you at the stop light. It had to be your car that got hit first. It had to be such a careless driver. I know that's all a part of the past and you wouldn't know what you know about Heaven had all of that not happened. I know God has taken you to a place I'll be some day. And I know our reunion will "heavenly." Guess I'm in a season of missing you so much that sadness and loneliness are currently trumping faith and hope.
Life continues to be busy. School is almost out and I'm still preaching quite a bit. I was asked to share the message at the Christmas concert this Friday. I'm not sure how prayer works in Heaven but if you get a chance I'd love some prayers for that message. It's supposed to include an invitation to the gospel and I just want people to know how true salvation, Heaven, and hope are. Feel free to invite some heavy hitters to pray with you - Paul, Peter, Calvin, Luther, C.S. Lewis, you know, whomever you happen to cross paths with :)
The kids are ramping up for Christmas. You should see their wish lists! Oh my. On one hand I want to get them everything because it's been such a difficult year. But I don't want to set a precedent either. I need your help Sug to find that balance of making it a fun Christmas morning but not an "I just went in to debt" Christmas morning. Believe it or not I haven't run us in to the ground yet financially! Infact, dare I say, you'd be somewhat proud! Okay, maybe not proud but you have to admit that there was some serious betting going on in Heaven since you got there as to how long I could go before having to sell everything just to pay the mortgage! You were so good with our books and I miss having another voice to help with the "business" side of life. So many things about you I took for granted. Your intelligence and knack for numbers were just a couple.
I'd talk more about Christmas but I just can't without completely losing it. All to say this is an incredibly difficult time for us. You brought so much life to this holiday. I don't know how we'll get through Christmas day without you so again, call some of your newly made friends over to your mansion and have a little prayer meeting for your pathetic husband. I fear the day will be heavy and dreary and that doesn't seem to work too well when there are presents for the kids to open.
I'm sure by now you've seen your grandmother. Hope you two are catching up on things. The funeral was bittersweet. It was the first funeral we've attended since yours and it was so hard to sit through. Flashbacks were coming in rapid succession and there wasn't any place to go. I just kept staring at your grandmother's casket and seeing yours. The pastor read Psalm 23 and I thought, "here we go again." Your passing will never be a distant memory. Certainly wasn't what I had planned for last week but death is never convenient and I'm glad I was able to be with your family during another loss. What a year it continues to be.
I've talked your ear off long enough so I'll let you go Sug. My heart literally aches to spend some face to face time with you so once again be prepared to clear out your calendar for a few thousand years when you get the news that I've finally made it Home. You'll be the first person I'll look for.
I'll talk to you before Christmas.
I love you...still.
Me
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me." -Psalm 13, NLT
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers that the kids would sing well for the Christmas concert this Friday
- Prayers that I would bring a message of hope on Friday to those who need it
- Praise - I have the opportunity to lead worship at our high school chapel on Wednesday with my brother, good friend Amy, and a few of our staff. It's a praise because the people I'm playing/singing with are all super talented. I'm like a kid in a candy shop!
- Prayers that I don't screw up this great chance I have to sing/play with such talented people :)
"Father, nine months seems like nine minutes. Everything is still painful. Losing Leigh Ann has come with intense hurt. I don't want it any more. I want to be with her again. I want to see her and hear her and hold her. Please take care of both of us. Please fill my heart with peace and understanding."
Day 274 - Nine Months
Dear Leigh Ann,
As Malia and I drove home from her Little Ladybugs Preschool Christmas performance tonight the reality set it that it's futile to continue to add up all the events we've done without you. Life continues and we're trying our best to be a part of it because we know that's what you would want. We can't stay idle though I could have very easily hibernated these past nine months.
The hurt is still here. Every event that's added to the calendar is still painful to carry out. Driving to and from parties, celebrations, performances without you still produces tears. I want you to be a part of all this. The kids are growing up and they miss seeing you at all the things that matter to them. I miss seeing you because I know how excited you'd be for them. I hurt so much because of all that you're seemingly missing. Not having an ounce of an idea of what Heaven is like I doubt you're feeling completely the same but if for any reason you think, even for a second, that we're doing okay without you, we're simply not. God is taking good care of us but we desperately want you back. I need you more than I've ever needed you.
I continue to replay the accident over and over again. It's still fresh in my mind and still very surreal. It had to be your day to work. It had to be you at the stop light. It had to be your car that got hit first. It had to be such a careless driver. I know that's all a part of the past and you wouldn't know what you know about Heaven had all of that not happened. I know God has taken you to a place I'll be some day. And I know our reunion will "heavenly." Guess I'm in a season of missing you so much that sadness and loneliness are currently trumping faith and hope.
Life continues to be busy. School is almost out and I'm still preaching quite a bit. I was asked to share the message at the Christmas concert this Friday. I'm not sure how prayer works in Heaven but if you get a chance I'd love some prayers for that message. It's supposed to include an invitation to the gospel and I just want people to know how true salvation, Heaven, and hope are. Feel free to invite some heavy hitters to pray with you - Paul, Peter, Calvin, Luther, C.S. Lewis, you know, whomever you happen to cross paths with :)
The kids are ramping up for Christmas. You should see their wish lists! Oh my. On one hand I want to get them everything because it's been such a difficult year. But I don't want to set a precedent either. I need your help Sug to find that balance of making it a fun Christmas morning but not an "I just went in to debt" Christmas morning. Believe it or not I haven't run us in to the ground yet financially! Infact, dare I say, you'd be somewhat proud! Okay, maybe not proud but you have to admit that there was some serious betting going on in Heaven since you got there as to how long I could go before having to sell everything just to pay the mortgage! You were so good with our books and I miss having another voice to help with the "business" side of life. So many things about you I took for granted. Your intelligence and knack for numbers were just a couple.
I'd talk more about Christmas but I just can't without completely losing it. All to say this is an incredibly difficult time for us. You brought so much life to this holiday. I don't know how we'll get through Christmas day without you so again, call some of your newly made friends over to your mansion and have a little prayer meeting for your pathetic husband. I fear the day will be heavy and dreary and that doesn't seem to work too well when there are presents for the kids to open.
I'm sure by now you've seen your grandmother. Hope you two are catching up on things. The funeral was bittersweet. It was the first funeral we've attended since yours and it was so hard to sit through. Flashbacks were coming in rapid succession and there wasn't any place to go. I just kept staring at your grandmother's casket and seeing yours. The pastor read Psalm 23 and I thought, "here we go again." Your passing will never be a distant memory. Certainly wasn't what I had planned for last week but death is never convenient and I'm glad I was able to be with your family during another loss. What a year it continues to be.
I've talked your ear off long enough so I'll let you go Sug. My heart literally aches to spend some face to face time with you so once again be prepared to clear out your calendar for a few thousand years when you get the news that I've finally made it Home. You'll be the first person I'll look for.
I'll talk to you before Christmas.
I love you...still.
Me
"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me." -Psalm 13, NLT
- Prayers that the kids would sing well for the Christmas concert this Friday
- Prayers that I would bring a message of hope on Friday to those who need it
- Praise - I have the opportunity to lead worship at our high school chapel on Wednesday with my brother, good friend Amy, and a few of our staff. It's a praise because the people I'm playing/singing with are all super talented. I'm like a kid in a candy shop!
- Prayers that I don't screw up this great chance I have to sing/play with such talented people :)
"Father, nine months seems like nine minutes. Everything is still painful. Losing Leigh Ann has come with intense hurt. I don't want it any more. I want to be with her again. I want to see her and hear her and hold her. Please take care of both of us. Please fill my heart with peace and understanding."
Monday, November 29, 2010
Day 267
Monday, November 29th, 2010
Day 267 - Leigh Ann's grandmother (Peggy's mother) passed away early Sunday morning. The funeral will be on Thursday in Kansas. A few of us will be heading out Wednesday morning. Would appreciate prayers. Losing a daughter and a mother in the same year. One can only imagine the hurt. Caden asked me if Leigh's grandmother knew Jesus and because she did I was able to tell him yesterday morning Leigh and her grandmother were enjoying being reunited in Heaven. What should have caused joy in me (and I think deep down it does) instead produced tears. I still can't believe Leigh is gone.
I decided to break out the Christmas decorations this afternoon. Terribly surreal to be in the attic pulling down all the Christmas boxes by myself. I invited good friends to come over to help decorate because I just couldn't do this by myself. Even with friends it was nonetheless a painful evening racked with so many memories of years gone by. Seeing the ornaments, the tree, the stockings, brought back the heaviness of Leigh not being here. I very much wanted to be listening to Christmas music, hanging lights, and watching Leigh take pride in hanging ornaments on the tree. I wanted to go over the shopping list with her and watch her get excited about what we were going to get the kids. I wanted to tell her about the kids performing this year for my high school's Christmas concert. Instead my friends and I tried to make the house look as festive as possible. Funny thing is the house looks great. You'd never know by the amount of holiday decor that anything is different. If only that were the case.
Prayer Requests
- Pray for Leigh's family as the death of her grandmother is just settling in for everyone.
"Father, please show us, once again, Your love. This is a week we all need to have You fill us with peace, understanding, and hope. The pain is still strong. I don't know when it will subside. Certainly not this week. Allow us to see You in the funeral. May Leigh and her grandmother enjoy being reunited in Heaven. We're all very jealous."
Day 267 - Leigh Ann's grandmother (Peggy's mother) passed away early Sunday morning. The funeral will be on Thursday in Kansas. A few of us will be heading out Wednesday morning. Would appreciate prayers. Losing a daughter and a mother in the same year. One can only imagine the hurt. Caden asked me if Leigh's grandmother knew Jesus and because she did I was able to tell him yesterday morning Leigh and her grandmother were enjoying being reunited in Heaven. What should have caused joy in me (and I think deep down it does) instead produced tears. I still can't believe Leigh is gone.
I decided to break out the Christmas decorations this afternoon. Terribly surreal to be in the attic pulling down all the Christmas boxes by myself. I invited good friends to come over to help decorate because I just couldn't do this by myself. Even with friends it was nonetheless a painful evening racked with so many memories of years gone by. Seeing the ornaments, the tree, the stockings, brought back the heaviness of Leigh not being here. I very much wanted to be listening to Christmas music, hanging lights, and watching Leigh take pride in hanging ornaments on the tree. I wanted to go over the shopping list with her and watch her get excited about what we were going to get the kids. I wanted to tell her about the kids performing this year for my high school's Christmas concert. Instead my friends and I tried to make the house look as festive as possible. Funny thing is the house looks great. You'd never know by the amount of holiday decor that anything is different. If only that were the case.
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| Trying hard to be festive |
- Pray for Leigh's family as the death of her grandmother is just settling in for everyone.
"Father, please show us, once again, Your love. This is a week we all need to have You fill us with peace, understanding, and hope. The pain is still strong. I don't know when it will subside. Certainly not this week. Allow us to see You in the funeral. May Leigh and her grandmother enjoy being reunited in Heaven. We're all very jealous."
Friday, November 26, 2010
Day 264
Friday, November 26th, 2010
Day 264 - Received many emails/texts from people letting me know they were thinking about me and the kids yesterday. Appreciate it very much. Certainly was an emotional day. Many of us were thinking about Leigh as was evidenced by the tears. Hard to be truly thankful when you're missing someone as much as we all miss Leigh. I had met with my lawyer the day before to wrap up things on the legal side of the accident so thoughts of Leigh Ann, the accident, the loneliness, the ramifications of her not being with us the rest of our lives, and missing her, were with me throughout the day.
The hardest part of grief seems to be living with those thoughts/feelings all the while trying to face each day with hope. Many of us want to cry out during each event, "Does anyone hurt as much as I'm hurting right now?" But we don't because we know the answer. We're all in pain and there's not much that can be done. Meanwhile there are birthdays to be celebrated, holidays to be enjoyed, kids that are wanting dad to laugh and play. So that's what we did yesterday. We celebrated, enjoyed, and laughed. No one was naive enough to think all is better. We just don't know what else to do. Do you cancel an entire holiday? Do you spend the day inside with the shades drawn? We chose to live in community even if our community is fractured. And somehow, albeit painful, when we continue these get togethers celebrating a birthday or holiday, the reality of living without Leigh becomes just a fraction more doable. A completely and utterly horrible situation but a fraction more doable.
Continuing to trust in God has been difficult. I don't doubt His love. Infact I've probably received more blessings in the past nine months than I can remember. My struggle rests in the "why" of Leigh's death. It just didn't need to happen. My hope of being reunited with her grows stronger each day but that hope is balanced with a broken spirit. My faith has been and continues to be tested.
Yesterday the kids and I hosted our 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day Olympics. Every other year we have family and friends gather at our house for some fun competition before over indulging in the Thanksgiving feast. I won't bother boring you with who won...okay, I will bore you - the kids and I are the 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day Olympic Champions! Some pics...
Prayer Requests:
- Continued prayers for Peggy's mother who is battling Leukemia. Very touch and go at this point.
- An update more than a prayer request - my dog Scrappy is still fighting off whatever has been making him sick. We found out it's not cancer.
"Father, thank You for so many family and friends who reach out to me and the kids every day. Thank You for loving us through so many. Thank You for the blessings that I so often take for granted. But mostly thank You for the cross. Thank You that Leigh Ann believed in Christ and now is rejoicing with the saints in Heaven. Thank You that I had that opportunity years ago to have my sins forgiven and now live with the reality of seeing Leigh Ann again. I miss her Father and I don't want to live my life without her. Thank You that the number of my days left on Earth pale in comparison to how many await me in Heaven. I love You."
Day 264 - Received many emails/texts from people letting me know they were thinking about me and the kids yesterday. Appreciate it very much. Certainly was an emotional day. Many of us were thinking about Leigh as was evidenced by the tears. Hard to be truly thankful when you're missing someone as much as we all miss Leigh. I had met with my lawyer the day before to wrap up things on the legal side of the accident so thoughts of Leigh Ann, the accident, the loneliness, the ramifications of her not being with us the rest of our lives, and missing her, were with me throughout the day.
The hardest part of grief seems to be living with those thoughts/feelings all the while trying to face each day with hope. Many of us want to cry out during each event, "Does anyone hurt as much as I'm hurting right now?" But we don't because we know the answer. We're all in pain and there's not much that can be done. Meanwhile there are birthdays to be celebrated, holidays to be enjoyed, kids that are wanting dad to laugh and play. So that's what we did yesterday. We celebrated, enjoyed, and laughed. No one was naive enough to think all is better. We just don't know what else to do. Do you cancel an entire holiday? Do you spend the day inside with the shades drawn? We chose to live in community even if our community is fractured. And somehow, albeit painful, when we continue these get togethers celebrating a birthday or holiday, the reality of living without Leigh becomes just a fraction more doable. A completely and utterly horrible situation but a fraction more doable.
Continuing to trust in God has been difficult. I don't doubt His love. Infact I've probably received more blessings in the past nine months than I can remember. My struggle rests in the "why" of Leigh's death. It just didn't need to happen. My hope of being reunited with her grows stronger each day but that hope is balanced with a broken spirit. My faith has been and continues to be tested.
Yesterday the kids and I hosted our 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day Olympics. Every other year we have family and friends gather at our house for some fun competition before over indulging in the Thanksgiving feast. I won't bother boring you with who won...okay, I will bore you - the kids and I are the 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day Olympic Champions! Some pics...
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| Two years ago at our Olympics. Leigh Ann loved having fun. We miss her so much. |
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| This year's events...of course we had to have the sack race! |
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| Slo-Mo Bike Competition! |
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| Free Throw Shooting Contest! |
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| Family and Friends! |
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| Chip Shot Competition - Go Caden! |
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| Frisbee Golf! |
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| Water Balloon Toss! |
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| Handing out trophies - we spared no expense! |
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| My dad, a.k.a. Team Old Folks, won an event! |
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| Team Tonkinson celebrating! |
Prayer Requests:
- Continued prayers for Peggy's mother who is battling Leukemia. Very touch and go at this point.
- An update more than a prayer request - my dog Scrappy is still fighting off whatever has been making him sick. We found out it's not cancer.
"Father, thank You for so many family and friends who reach out to me and the kids every day. Thank You for loving us through so many. Thank You for the blessings that I so often take for granted. But mostly thank You for the cross. Thank You that Leigh Ann believed in Christ and now is rejoicing with the saints in Heaven. Thank You that I had that opportunity years ago to have my sins forgiven and now live with the reality of seeing Leigh Ann again. I miss her Father and I don't want to live my life without her. Thank You that the number of my days left on Earth pale in comparison to how many await me in Heaven. I love You."
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Day 258
Saturday, November 20th, 2010
Tomorrow we'll celebrate Caden's 11th birthday. Last night I took him on a father/son dinner/movie birthday night...
It was a special night for the two of us. Some much needed father/son alone time. I don't do that nearly as much as I should.
Tonight was spent over Grandma Peggy's celebrating her birthday. A whirlwind of events that are in desperate need of Leigh Ann. She has been on my mind a lot, I'm guessing because of all of the times family has gotten together recently. When the parties are over I think of how much different they'd be if she could have been with us. How much happier we'd all be, how different our conversations would be, how much more "normal" we'd all feel.
I was cleaning out the garage today and came across Leigh's day planner. It was with her the night she died and someone had put it in a plastic bag because it had been doused with gasoline. I flipped through it and landed on March 6th where she had written, "Leigh Work." I stared at those words and thought, "If only she didn't have to go to work that day. If only someone had offered to take her shift. If only she weren't feeling well and had to take a sick day." God is sovereign and March 6th was her time to join Him in Heaven. I know that. But if there ever was a time when I wanted to change His sovereign plan it was this morning. Life is simply too hard and not the same without her.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Caden and the family as we celebrate his birthday.
- Prayers that I would lead my family in being sensitive to those in need especially during this time of year.
"Father, I simply don't understand why Leigh Ann had to die when she meant the world to so many of us? Why couldn't she have lived a long life? Why did she have to go to work that day? Please help Caden enjoy his birthday without his mother. Please help all of us be at peace tomorrow. Show us how to do life without a mother, daughter, wife, sister."
Tomorrow we'll celebrate Caden's 11th birthday. Last night I took him on a father/son dinner/movie birthday night...
Caden's new favorite food...ribs!
Needless to say he was very excited!
Tonight was spent over Grandma Peggy's celebrating her birthday. A whirlwind of events that are in desperate need of Leigh Ann. She has been on my mind a lot, I'm guessing because of all of the times family has gotten together recently. When the parties are over I think of how much different they'd be if she could have been with us. How much happier we'd all be, how different our conversations would be, how much more "normal" we'd all feel.
I was cleaning out the garage today and came across Leigh's day planner. It was with her the night she died and someone had put it in a plastic bag because it had been doused with gasoline. I flipped through it and landed on March 6th where she had written, "Leigh Work." I stared at those words and thought, "If only she didn't have to go to work that day. If only someone had offered to take her shift. If only she weren't feeling well and had to take a sick day." God is sovereign and March 6th was her time to join Him in Heaven. I know that. But if there ever was a time when I wanted to change His sovereign plan it was this morning. Life is simply too hard and not the same without her.
Prayer Requests:
- Prayers for Caden and the family as we celebrate his birthday.
- Prayers that I would lead my family in being sensitive to those in need especially during this time of year.
"Father, I simply don't understand why Leigh Ann had to die when she meant the world to so many of us? Why couldn't she have lived a long life? Why did she have to go to work that day? Please help Caden enjoy his birthday without his mother. Please help all of us be at peace tomorrow. Show us how to do life without a mother, daughter, wife, sister."
Monday, November 15, 2010
Day 253
Monday, November 15th, 2010
Day 253 - Caden cried himself to sleep tonight. "I miss mommy so much," was what I heard between the sobs.
I was frustrated, not at Caden, at how uncertain our family's emotional stability is right now. It's a complete guess from day to day. I got to the end of Saturday full of both joy and sadness. Sunday was an "up," because I spent the evening discussing the Gospels with a group from my brother's church. Sunday night was "iffy" because Malia and Caden have coughs/aches which makes bed time a chore. Today went well until I found out one of my dogs might have diabetes. And then to walk in on my son, who should be having a good week (he turns 11 on Saturday), and trying to comfort him because he hates not having Leigh Ann around.
I understand all families have emotional highs and lows but this is something different. The person that held our family together, made us stronger, made us happier, made us more connected was suddenly ripped from our lives. Now we're trying to live without her and though it's been eight months we haven't figured it out yet. Nothing feels natural.
Mondays are hard. Monday everything starts all over again. Driving to work this morning I saw Leigh Ann in my mind, I heard her voice, and could remember what it was like to have her here. There was a brief moment of joy because of all the wonderful memories. But the more I drove and the more the reality of beginning another week without her began to settle in (like it does every Monday) the more "grey" the day became. So, once again, I then have to make a conscious decision not to re-live the night Leigh was killed. It's too easy to go back to March 6th and start back in with all the unanswerable questions. But if I go down that road (which I've done countless times) then I have to dig myself out of this huge emotional hole before I have to start teaching.
This morning I chose to turn my attention to God and thank Him for whatever He had in store for me. I hated doing it because this meant having to put my thoughts of Leigh aside. Then again all I have of her now is memories and living in the past can prove to be very unproductive.
As I watched Caden cry I thought he should be spending the week getting excited to celebrate a birthday. But his reality will forevermore be one of learning to live with both joy and sadness. I so wish I could change that for him but knowing I can't maybe we can walk down this difficult path together encouraging each other with the hope we both have of one day living together with Leigh in Heaven.
Prayer Requests:
- I really would like it if my dog (Scrappy) didn't have diabetes.
- I'd love for my kids to feel better.
- I'd love for Caden's party this weekend to be full of smiling faces.
- Praise that the seminar yesterday went well.
"Father, another Monday and they're not getting any easier. Take Caden's heart and fill it with Your peace tonight. Let us all gain some understanding from what has happened. Prepare us now for another day tomorrow without Leigh Ann. And please let her know how much we love her. Thank You for the sacrifice Christ made so that I will be able to worship You forever with Leigh Ann close by."
Day 253 - Caden cried himself to sleep tonight. "I miss mommy so much," was what I heard between the sobs.
I was frustrated, not at Caden, at how uncertain our family's emotional stability is right now. It's a complete guess from day to day. I got to the end of Saturday full of both joy and sadness. Sunday was an "up," because I spent the evening discussing the Gospels with a group from my brother's church. Sunday night was "iffy" because Malia and Caden have coughs/aches which makes bed time a chore. Today went well until I found out one of my dogs might have diabetes. And then to walk in on my son, who should be having a good week (he turns 11 on Saturday), and trying to comfort him because he hates not having Leigh Ann around.
I understand all families have emotional highs and lows but this is something different. The person that held our family together, made us stronger, made us happier, made us more connected was suddenly ripped from our lives. Now we're trying to live without her and though it's been eight months we haven't figured it out yet. Nothing feels natural.
Mondays are hard. Monday everything starts all over again. Driving to work this morning I saw Leigh Ann in my mind, I heard her voice, and could remember what it was like to have her here. There was a brief moment of joy because of all the wonderful memories. But the more I drove and the more the reality of beginning another week without her began to settle in (like it does every Monday) the more "grey" the day became. So, once again, I then have to make a conscious decision not to re-live the night Leigh was killed. It's too easy to go back to March 6th and start back in with all the unanswerable questions. But if I go down that road (which I've done countless times) then I have to dig myself out of this huge emotional hole before I have to start teaching.
This morning I chose to turn my attention to God and thank Him for whatever He had in store for me. I hated doing it because this meant having to put my thoughts of Leigh aside. Then again all I have of her now is memories and living in the past can prove to be very unproductive.
As I watched Caden cry I thought he should be spending the week getting excited to celebrate a birthday. But his reality will forevermore be one of learning to live with both joy and sadness. I so wish I could change that for him but knowing I can't maybe we can walk down this difficult path together encouraging each other with the hope we both have of one day living together with Leigh in Heaven.
Prayer Requests:
- I really would like it if my dog (Scrappy) didn't have diabetes.
- I'd love for my kids to feel better.
- I'd love for Caden's party this weekend to be full of smiling faces.
- Praise that the seminar yesterday went well.
"Father, another Monday and they're not getting any easier. Take Caden's heart and fill it with Your peace tonight. Let us all gain some understanding from what has happened. Prepare us now for another day tomorrow without Leigh Ann. And please let her know how much we love her. Thank You for the sacrifice Christ made so that I will be able to worship You forever with Leigh Ann close by."
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Day 251
Saturday, November 13th, 2010
Day 251
Celebrating my birthday today without Leigh Ann.
Breakfast with the kids, golf with family/friends, dinner with family. The agenda is full (purposefully) and I'm glad to not have to spend the day alone. Caden woke up right after me and is trying his best to help me celebrate (maybe a little too much at 6:30 a.m.!).
Feels very surreal not to be spending the day with Leigh. Her absence is weighty. Certainly a day to put my full trust in the Lord.
Prayer Requests:
- Kids are on the verge of getting sick (throat, flu, etc.). Prayers that their bodies will heal.
- I'm giving a seminar tomorrow night on the Gospels. Prayers for preparation and delivery.
"Father, it's another day where I need to be filled entirely with Your peace. Another day where it's too tempting to get caught up in missing Leigh Ann. Thank You for the family and friends that are helping me make the most of today. Thank You for my kids who want to see me happy. May my joy be found in the Lord today."
Day 251
Celebrating my birthday today without Leigh Ann.
Breakfast with the kids, golf with family/friends, dinner with family. The agenda is full (purposefully) and I'm glad to not have to spend the day alone. Caden woke up right after me and is trying his best to help me celebrate (maybe a little too much at 6:30 a.m.!).
Feels very surreal not to be spending the day with Leigh. Her absence is weighty. Certainly a day to put my full trust in the Lord.
Prayer Requests:
- Kids are on the verge of getting sick (throat, flu, etc.). Prayers that their bodies will heal.
- I'm giving a seminar tomorrow night on the Gospels. Prayers for preparation and delivery.
"Father, it's another day where I need to be filled entirely with Your peace. Another day where it's too tempting to get caught up in missing Leigh Ann. Thank You for the family and friends that are helping me make the most of today. Thank You for my kids who want to see me happy. May my joy be found in the Lord today."
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Day 244
Saturday, November 6th, 2010
Day 244 - Eight Months
Dear Leigh Ann,
I have to hope that your night is going better than mine. Caden and Bailey are crying themselves to sleep for missing you so much. Caden has put up such a good fight these past few months but tonight he was tired of fighting. "I know Mommy is in Heaven but I get so impatient and I want to see her again so badly." I cried with him trying to encourage him that we may have to wait another 50 years but there will come a day when Mommy will never not be there. We both cannot wait to see you again.
As I walked in to Bailey's room I found him crying, holding a picture of the both of you. Caden's crying probably prompted Bay to start in on some of his own but the more I held him the more I could see that he really does miss you. You meant the world to both he and Caden, and though I don't think I could stand to see everyone crying night after night, it was good for us to admit we don't have this new life figured out yet.
Malia was bouncing from room to room trying to make the boys laugh. She hates when we're all sad. She walked in to Caden's room with Bay's Toy Story Alien-Head on and told us to go to bed! I know she misses you so much but I was thankful that she felt strong enough to not cry tonight. I would not have done well with all four of us in tears.
I don't want to do another birthday or holiday without you. I reaffirmed to Caden tonight that it just isn't fair that you were taken so early in life. He said, "Mom must be so special to God because he took her to such a great place at such a young age." I know he's right but I wanted to cry out, "That doesn't make it any easier on us though. What about all she's missing and all we're missing and how hard living has become? When is God going to make sense of all of this? Who wants to live another moment without Mom?" Instead I just cried a little more with him.
I'm so tired of missing you Sug. I'm so tired of living without you. I crave wanting to be with you again. I missed so many opportunities to express my love to you. I want another chance and I hurt beyond belief knowing I won't get one. I now understand how much you mean to me and yes you're probably doing so well in Heaven, but I could make such a great husband/father if I had another chance with you.
But if I can't have that opportunity this side of Heaven, I promise that every second of my eternity that isn't spent worshipping God will be spent letting you know how wonderful you are. I will never get tired of telling you how much I think of you. I will tell everyone in Heaven. I will tell the angels, the saints, every soul I meet. I love you Leigh Ann. I love everything about you, and I want to tell you that over and over and over again. Regardless of you being my wife, I just think you are a woman worth knowing. You simply don't know how many times I've said or have heard others say, "I wish Leigh were here, she'd know what to do..."
We're getting up each day and doing our best. God has been so good to us, meeting our every need. It's as if He's said, "You're going to go through hell but I'm going to be right there with you." And He has been. I've had so many opportunities to talk to people about Him, breaking open the Scriptures. You know how jazzed I get when that happens so you can imagine how that side of life has been flat-out phenomenal. I miss sharing those times with you but somehow I think you're aware of what's been going on.
There has been a choir of random thoughts constantly popping in to my head that I need to somehow get control of. I wonder where you are (exactly), what you're doing, what you look like, how much of me and the kids you're aware of, who you're getting to know, what you remember about the accident, what your first moments in Heaven were like, if you've talked to Jesus face to face, when will I see you again, if you'll be as excited to see me as I am to see you. These thoughts are 24/7 - always there. Nights have been a struggle as of late. Too many hours lost in trying to find answers that I know will never come.
I wish I had a better report for you Sug. Eight months in to this and I can't say I'm any further along. I don't feel like I am anyway. I'm trying hard to live with hope but some days it just seems like our reunion is so far away. I can only truly hope that if He gives me another 50 years, it will only feel like 10.
I love you so much,
Me
"Father, I have not much to say other than may Your will be done."
Day 244 - Eight Months
Dear Leigh Ann,
I have to hope that your night is going better than mine. Caden and Bailey are crying themselves to sleep for missing you so much. Caden has put up such a good fight these past few months but tonight he was tired of fighting. "I know Mommy is in Heaven but I get so impatient and I want to see her again so badly." I cried with him trying to encourage him that we may have to wait another 50 years but there will come a day when Mommy will never not be there. We both cannot wait to see you again.
As I walked in to Bailey's room I found him crying, holding a picture of the both of you. Caden's crying probably prompted Bay to start in on some of his own but the more I held him the more I could see that he really does miss you. You meant the world to both he and Caden, and though I don't think I could stand to see everyone crying night after night, it was good for us to admit we don't have this new life figured out yet.
Malia was bouncing from room to room trying to make the boys laugh. She hates when we're all sad. She walked in to Caden's room with Bay's Toy Story Alien-Head on and told us to go to bed! I know she misses you so much but I was thankful that she felt strong enough to not cry tonight. I would not have done well with all four of us in tears.
I don't want to do another birthday or holiday without you. I reaffirmed to Caden tonight that it just isn't fair that you were taken so early in life. He said, "Mom must be so special to God because he took her to such a great place at such a young age." I know he's right but I wanted to cry out, "That doesn't make it any easier on us though. What about all she's missing and all we're missing and how hard living has become? When is God going to make sense of all of this? Who wants to live another moment without Mom?" Instead I just cried a little more with him.
I'm so tired of missing you Sug. I'm so tired of living without you. I crave wanting to be with you again. I missed so many opportunities to express my love to you. I want another chance and I hurt beyond belief knowing I won't get one. I now understand how much you mean to me and yes you're probably doing so well in Heaven, but I could make such a great husband/father if I had another chance with you.
But if I can't have that opportunity this side of Heaven, I promise that every second of my eternity that isn't spent worshipping God will be spent letting you know how wonderful you are. I will never get tired of telling you how much I think of you. I will tell everyone in Heaven. I will tell the angels, the saints, every soul I meet. I love you Leigh Ann. I love everything about you, and I want to tell you that over and over and over again. Regardless of you being my wife, I just think you are a woman worth knowing. You simply don't know how many times I've said or have heard others say, "I wish Leigh were here, she'd know what to do..."
We're getting up each day and doing our best. God has been so good to us, meeting our every need. It's as if He's said, "You're going to go through hell but I'm going to be right there with you." And He has been. I've had so many opportunities to talk to people about Him, breaking open the Scriptures. You know how jazzed I get when that happens so you can imagine how that side of life has been flat-out phenomenal. I miss sharing those times with you but somehow I think you're aware of what's been going on.
There has been a choir of random thoughts constantly popping in to my head that I need to somehow get control of. I wonder where you are (exactly), what you're doing, what you look like, how much of me and the kids you're aware of, who you're getting to know, what you remember about the accident, what your first moments in Heaven were like, if you've talked to Jesus face to face, when will I see you again, if you'll be as excited to see me as I am to see you. These thoughts are 24/7 - always there. Nights have been a struggle as of late. Too many hours lost in trying to find answers that I know will never come.
I wish I had a better report for you Sug. Eight months in to this and I can't say I'm any further along. I don't feel like I am anyway. I'm trying hard to live with hope but some days it just seems like our reunion is so far away. I can only truly hope that if He gives me another 50 years, it will only feel like 10.
I love you so much,
Me
"Father, I have not much to say other than may Your will be done."
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Day 240
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010
Day 240 - Not a good day for the Tonkinson kids...flu shots :(
Day 240 - Not a good day for the Tonkinson kids...flu shots :(
Obviously not big fans of getting shots! I'd show Malia's picture but you'd think she was getting her arm cut off! Sure enough, 10 minutes later they were laughing, eating their lollipops, and wanting to know if they could play outside.
I knew I'd miss Leigh not being there and was suddenly reminded of her absence when I signed the "shots records" and saw her signature for the previous shots. I even miss her signature.
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