Day 15

Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 15
Kids slept over Grandma Peggy's/Pop Pop Larry's last night as I was battling a case of stomach crud.  Bailey made it 'til 9:30 p.m. until he drew me a card and then felt like he wanted to deliver it that night.  I was so out of it that I didn't see it until this morning.  My mom (Grandma Judy) came over to spend the night with her sick son - thanks mom. 


Visited Leigh's grave this afternoon.  Might make that a Sunday tradition.  Still surreal that part of our routine as a family will go to the cemetery.


Managed to put a new rim on the basketball hoop (of course with the help of a friend). The old one had been knocked over so many times it had the shape of a carnival hoop. Felt bad for Caden as all the neighborhood kids play on our hoop and I know they were wondering "what is up with your rim Caden?!" Alas, a new rim!


Tonight we're tackling the night with just the four of us.  My dad (Pop Pop Ken), brother Scott and his family stayed through dinner.  Have some laundry in and put the kids down, praying with each, and reminding them that mommy is in Heaven and that she loves them very much.


Feelings today have been pretty low. Those last few words "mommy is in Heaven…" seem easy to say only because I've said them hundreds of times these past two weeks. But the reality of Leigh Ann being in Heaven compared with all who she was here on Earth – well, that's been a point of great struggle for me today. The reality is setting in that every day that God gives me, the kids, Leigh's family, her friends, her co-workers, will be days spent without Leigh Ann. There will never be another day this side of Heaven where we'll hear Leigh's laugh, see her smile, listen to her thoughts, be comforted by her touch, or join her in worshipping God. Never again while I'm here on Earth will I see my wife. I still can't grasp that reality because it's so enormous, so overwhelming. All of the "God has a plan," and, "God knows what He's doing," "keep trusting in God," and, "you God works everything to good" talk is all well and good. But if anyone thinks that writing that on a sympathy card or throwing that in at the end of an email is going to make my heart feel all warm and fuzzy, then they simply don't know the gravity of this kind of loss. Or if they do then they're much further along in their grieving than I am. I know it's true, and one day I'll embrace those truths. But when I look at an empty closet, or turn to see someone I've seen for years in the passenger's seat only to see it empty, or become lost in my thoughts because I'm trying to wonder what Easter, Christmas, birthdays, special occasions will be like for my kids, I'm less inclined to think of "the plan," or, "the good that will come of this," and more likely to think, "what the heck is happening here?"


Today I'm really missing Leigh Ann. I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Several of her friends that she talked with multiple times a week are missing her. Her family, who she was extremely close to, is missing her. Her co-workers, who have had the nicest things to say about her, are missing her. Many, many people are missing her. But I look at three kids who called her "mom," and my heart breaks because here are three kids that would have benefited so much from her love, her input, her wisdom, her encouragement. And now, though they have a dad, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends, they'll never have their mom. A mother who loved these kids as much as any mother could. Why does Malia have to grow up without a mother? Why does Bailey have to miss out on all of "mommy's hugs and tickles?" Why does Caden not get to glean from his mother's wisdom? I just don't understand. And God, although at times has made His presence known these past two weeks, seems to be very slow on answering these questions. Not that He owes me anything. Just completely disheartened and confused.


Prayer requests:

• Kids start back to school Tuesday
• I start back to work Tuesday
• Schedule starting to fill up. Wisdom in time management
• Might have a family sit down this week with a counselor. Prayers that kids will be able to share what's on their minds.
• For friends, family, and co-workers that are missing Leigh.