Day 2

6:28 a.m. Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 2
More than 24 hours since Leigh Ann has been taken to Heaven. I sit weeping as I write this. Got a good night sleep. The trick has been to take some Advil PM and to block out everything else but thinking about sleep. Incredibly selfish but I have to do it. I know the prayers of the thousands of saints is the real reason I can sleep. I hope to sleep for a long time because I know the second I awake I'm back at the millions of thoughts. Thoughts like this morning, this rainy cold morning…

• I miss you so much honey. My heart aches for you and I hate this. I can't cry for this long.
• I don't know what will happen to our kids. The thousands of unknowns. Child care, finances, their future.
• I hate the fact that you're going to miss their "moments in life." I so wish it was me in the car. They would have done a much better job with you as their parent. Why wasn't it me?
• I hate thinking about how much I'll need to depend on others. You were so good at doing this. You were the one who would call everyone and talk. You were the one who would set things up. And you did it so well. How in the world am I going to do this?
• I hate thinking about this week – wake, funeral, burial. I can't stand being reminded that you're gone.
• I hate thinking I wasn't there when you needed me most. I hate thinking about you being alone that night.
• I hate thinking about the so many times I let you down, made you cry, made you made. How I wish I had more time with you.
• I love you so much Leigh Ann. You are my only love.

I had a bizarre thought yesterday. What if Heaven for Leigh Ann right now is here taking care of a countless number of children who have died? What if she's just loving being with all those kids who lost their lives. What if…

• I hate thinking that if that's true then what about her three children here?

It's raining today. Very appropriate.
"Father, whatever You're doing, just please know I'm not a huge fan right now. I know You're good but I have a lot of anger, questions, and I'm just mad. It wasn't her fault and she needs to be here with us."