Day 17

Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 17 without Leigh – Already logged an entry with this date on it but that one was at 1:30 this morning. Now that the day has come and gone I find myself in bed at 9:40 p.m., kids showered up, teeth brushed, prayers prayed, and hopefully already deep into r.e.m. sleep. A place I hope to be very soon. Bailey has decided to join me in bed tonight. While brushing my teeth I could hear him crying. Not weeping. More of the sniffling kind. He was crying nonetheless. I asked him what he was crying about and he said he misses mom. He saw my laptop booting up and noticed my desktop background – the head shot we used for Leigh's obituary. And while I'm inclined to feel terrible for my child, part of me was glad to see him expressing sadness. I haven't seen much out of Bay in terms of tears, so yes, brutal to think of a 6-yr old not having a mother, but nice to know he's feeling more freedom to cry when he feels like it.
Right before Caden laid down he told me he read a book where a dad lost his wife and he told his children that they weren't going to talk about their mother anymore. Caden was scared that I might act the same way. I felt horrible for him and assured him that we will talk about Leigh Ann all the time in this house. For years and years to come. We'll constantly talk about all her likes and dislikes, what she looked like, who she was, all the things she loved doing with the kids, where she worked, how much fun she loved having. All of it will always be open for discussing. Caden was comforted to know that he can talk about his mother anytime and all the time.
Made it to school today (http://www.vchstrojans.org/) First time back since Leigh died. Initially, very different to be back. Walked in to my room and was hit with a wave of "this is the first time you'll teach without being able to text/call Leigh throughout the day." Certainly made my heart heavy. And I'd like to say after a few minutes things were back to "normal." But they'll never be back to "normal." The new "normal" is me typing in my bed with my son sleeping next to me.
Students were incredibly gracious today as I spent the class time explaining how I was feeling, my ups and downs, how the kids are doing, and what really happened at the scene. Took up the entire period and by the end of 5^th hour I was seriously done with talking! Glad I got through it. Kids were really nice to me.