Day 22

Sunday, March 28, 2010
22 Days Without Leigh – up and down today but I'm glad to say at least there were some "ups." No doubt the credit belongs to the relentless prayers of the saints who have put me and kids as "regulars" in their prayers. The enormity of the situation still stands over me like someone looking up at the Empire State Building. There is no end in sight and that reality still hits me like its Day 1 each day. Strike that. It's actually worse each day. But here we are. And so today the "ups" included: listening to worship this morning at church, watching the kids spend their $5.00 gift cards at the Dollar Tree, and, laying down with Malia watching some t.v. I guess some of the "good" in any of this is that these moments may have just passed me by a few months ago. I'm not sure I would have viewed them as "ups." Maybe, but probably not.
Another "up" – reading out of Colossians tonight. "…yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before God holy and blameless and beyond reproach, if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard…" (1:22). I caught an image that on March 6^th Jesus presented Leigh Ann to God the Father. Something like, "Father, here is your servant Leigh Ann Tonkinson. She is holy, and blameless, and beyond reproach. I died for her and my blood has taken away her sin. And she believed that and continued her life firmly believing in Me." And I can picture Leigh, as beautiful as she ever was here on earth, standing with Jesus, before the Father, rejoicing in His fullness. And that God the Father was sharing with her how all of this works with her being in Heaven and her family still on earth. And how she now understands even though we don't. I'm so thankful for the gospel. The hope I have because of Christ's death for Leigh Ann and me and all who believe.
Good to have a small routine. Wake up, get kids ready for church, go to church, lunch afterwards, go to cemetery, come home. Atleast I've got that to look forward to on Sundays. And while it sounds morose to think going to a cemetery is a part of our routine, Caden said as we were pulling in to Valley of the Sun that his heart feels good when we go to see mommy. That he feels a sense of peace. 10 yrs old and he's teaching me things every day. I'm so glad going to visit Leigh's grave isn't something the kids dread. How tough would that be? Rather, for now anyway, it's something they're already becoming familiar with. For me going does bring a sense of something. Not sure what it is right now but it's not doom and gloom. It's not a picnic either. Maybe something inbetween.
Malia starts school tomorrow, family counseling on Tuesday, Malia starts dance on Wednesday, Basketball for boys on Friday and Saturday, Easter on Sunday. Glad to know the kids can enjoy some regular activities (much to the thanks of family and friends who have graciously offered to help with driving).
Prayer Requests:

• That I would be able to get through the week (I'm off on Friday for Good Friday, so it's a shorter week)
• That the kids would be okay with meeting with our counselor on Tuesday
• That Malia would be able to start school and dance and not be sad that Leigh won't be there for her
• That Good Friday and Easter would be so meaningful for us this weekend

"Father, I'm in the dark. It's nothing but fog. I can't see infront of me. Thank You for small glimpses of joy. Thank You for worship. Thank You for the body of Christ. Thank You for eternal hope. Thank You that this isn't all there is. Thank You for this week – Leigh Ann's Savior who died for her and rose again so that she might live. That we might live. Thank You."