Day 21

Saturday, March 27, 2010
Day 21 without Leigh – still settling into the fact that Leigh is gone. I can't believe it. I'm going through my days without her and there is such a massive void in my life. I am lonely beyond words and yet there are people all around me. The loneliness comes from missing just one person. I could meet 1,000 people and if none of them are Leigh Ann then I'm still lonely. I need her. I need my wife. I need the one whom I was supposed to spend years and years and years with. We were supposed to see our kids graduate, and date, and get married, and have children. We were supposed to be grandparents and enjoy playing with our grandchildren. We were supposed to travel and vacation and enjoy life together. We were supposed to enjoy ministry together. We were supposed simply be together. No matter what else would happen in life we were supposed to be together. Experiencing life together.
Leigh Ann is dead and none of this will ever happen. I hate everything about her death. I hate empty closets. I hate knowing three kids will not have their mother. I hate every room I'm in that she's not in. I hate playing with the kids outside knowing she's not on the porch swing watching us. I hate thinking all the time about the future. I hate sleeping in the bed that used to be for the both of us. I hate not having her to tell my day to. I hate not having her to talk with in the car. I hate not having her to laugh with. I hate not being able to hug her. Leigh Ann is gone and I hate it.
Life is continuing to move on. The boys had basketball games today. Malia starts school on Monday. Easter is next week. I can barely get by not because I don't have help and support. I can barely get by because I can't bear the weight of what it means to live life without Leigh Ann.
All to say, tough day today. Hopefully church tomorrow and visiting her grave might bring some much needed hope.
Prayer Requests:

• To sleep more
• To take deep breaths and enjoy my kids
• That the kids would be able to enjoy school and their activities
• For Grandma Judy and Grandma Peggy who are doing full-time work with the kids
• To continue to trust God

"Father, I know Your ways are good. I'm just not seeing that today. I'm not seeing how this is all going to work out. And honestly I need Leigh back. I need my old life back. So, please help me see You in the depths of this hurt. I need Your peace."