Day 7

March 13, 2010
Can't stop time. One week ago Leigh Ann died. I will have countless dates that will come across my calendar. "one week," "one month," "anniversary," "birthday," "holidays," "one year," "firsts of everything without her." I can't stand it. I can't stand that we will have to walk through each of those days that are yet to come. Can't stand that this is now part of our plot in life. Can't stand that many days will be spent at her grave. Can't stand how tired I am and I've only been up for an hour. Can't stand how many people are "thinking about me," and are letting me know it. Can't stand all of it. Can't stand missing my wife and wanting her back so badly. Can't stand trying to be strong for the kids. Can't stand thinking of all the things these kids will miss without Leigh Ann in their lives. Can't stand to think of how senseless this all was. Can't stand wanting this all to be over, for life to be over, for my pain to stop. I can't stand thinking all the time. I can't stand not being able to dream for my kids because dreams now are filled with "yeah but she'll never see that." There's everything about this that I hate and there's nothing about this that I'm good with. So where is the good? Can't stand how everyone can only write that somehow this is a part of God's plan.
OK. With all that said, we had the funeral yesterday. For as much as I would trade anything in the world to have switched places with Leigh or to have been somewhere else yesterday, there I was, in the front row, casket to my left.
More later…right now I hear Bailey wanting someone to help him with his puzzle…
…a few hours later… Eric, Julie, Jer, Ang stopped by. Great to see them. I feel like this will be a pattern for quite some time. People stopping by just to see how I'm doing.
I'm so sad when I think of things I want to tell you that no one else will get but I can't. So many things I know you'd laugh at with me and I'm broken when I have no one to tell. I'm silent a lot now. Just because I don't have you to tell things to. I loved telling you about my life and I loved knowing that you really did care about me. I want to talk with you so badly.