March 6, 2010
At around 8:30 p.m. tonight my life, my love, my wife, passed away. Sudden car accident, so I'm told. It's 1:13 a.m. now and I'm awake but dead. I can't believe I'm writing these words. Yet all of them are true. Leigh Ann Tonkinson, my absolute love, the best mother to our kids, the best wife I could ever imagine, has left this earth to be in Heaven. Every day, beginning with this one, will be a long day this side of heaven. I have our three wonderful children to keep me company until Jesus calls me to Heaven. Selfishly I pray it would be tomorrow. But our kids need parents.
Really not sure how this will be for each of them. They sleep tonight.
Still cannot believe this is real. My wife has died. Three children lost their mother four hours ago.
The questions are endless. The pain is overwhelming. The hurt is all-consuming. I don't know what to do. How I sincerely wish it were me. Leigh would have done so much better at giving our kids a fighting chance. Now they're stuck with me. They need my prayers more than anyone. I don't know what it's like to live without a mother. Three kids will have to discover that. They will have to attend their mother's funeral. I wish that upon no one.
A thought to Leigh Ann – I know you're enjoying Heaven and all that it has for you. I know you're not wanting us to suffer. But if you can get inside my heart right now you'll see how much I love you. I miss you so much honey. I miss everything about you. I am so sorry for the times I made you sad, the times you didn't like "us." I hate myself for that. I love you. I love you. I love your smile. I love your way with our children. I love your sincerity. I love your child-like faith. I love your love for kids. I love your intelligence. I love how you were so excited for my life. I love you. And right now I miss you. My heart hurts and I want you back. I want you back from heaven so we can live out our years together. Just you and me. Please enjoy your new home. And I cannot wait to have you give me a tour! I cannot wait to enjoy heaven with you. I know you're here and I know you'll be here with the kids. Please parent them with me. I need you. We need you. You're the love of my life. Enjoy heaven and I will so see you soon. –Me
"Father, make sense out of all this for us. For the kids. For me. Make us believe that this is for a purpose. Right now the pain is unbearable. Please keep me and the kids close to You. Please show us Jesus, the cross, Your grace. I can't see it right now."
If you ever catch yourself asking God why did He take her... He didn't he gave her to you for that time and now she dances around the throne of God. Now you will be both Dad and Mon and remember one thing.. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens YOU and you are so very blessed to know your wife is with the Father.. Continue putting him first in your life, continue praying for your children and it will all be just "OK"
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, keep you and your family in His Loving and comforting arms...