Day 5

March11, 2010
10:54 p.m.
Day 5 - Leigh Ann's Viewing
Oh my goodness Sug. How loved you are. I love you so much and I'm so glad I could see your body tonight. I miss seeing you. I needed to see you. But now I need so much to see you alive and well. I saw your shell. I saw what housed your soul, your heart, your smile. I need to see you, the real you now. Wow did that wet my appetite to spend forever with you. Laughing, smiling, alive and well, praising, worshipping, running toward our King, fellowshipping, talking. I still can't believe you're in Heaven. I just can't believe it. Leigh Ann Tonkinson is in Heaven.
Needless to say, hundreds of people were at your viewing. I hugged people for over three hours! And that's straight with the exception of a 15 minute break. You'd be proud of me Suggy! But it wasn't that bad because it was genuine. People are so loved by you and wanted to let me know that. Some were saying it took them an hour to get inside the building. Line was a block down the street. Sug, people loved you! I love the fact that I was your husband. I so wish I had more time to tell you how much I love you. You're my Sug. You're my hon. You're my love. I will be lonely beyond words without you.
We're going to have a closed casket tomorrow just because your make-up was starting to come off and I think there were enough people who got to see you tonight. Andra did so well with your hair. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I so wanted to be in there instead of you. But here we are. You're in Heaven and I'm here. I was able to see you, touch your hair, touch your hand, kiss your head. I know it's not you but it's the body I've been used to seeing for 15 years. It's the body that housed the love of my life. It actually was so good to see you. I do want to die and see you in Heaven. I know I have a job to do with our kids but I do want to see my wife again.
Will you please show me what to do if God gives me tomorrow? If God gives me the next 10 years I'll mourn because it's 10 years apart from you. I'll rejoice because I'll see our kids grow up a little. I'm stuck between wanting to see my kids grow up and wanting to see my wife again. A terrible place to be. I'll take Paul's position which is to long to be with you but to do the Lords' work while I'm here.
Tomorrow we'll bury your "old" body. The dreaded funeral. I thought I was doing well up until 5 minutes ago when it set in just a little further how lonely I'll be without you. It's not fair these kids don't have a mother. It's not fair I don't have a wife, the only wife, my wife. It's not normal that we have to do life alone. What about all the times Caden will feel alone? What about all the times Bailey will feel alone? What about all the times Malia will miss her mom? What about the times when I'll miss holding my wife? Where's the "goodness" in life then? Where's the happiness then? How am I to rejoice knowing I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't?
I put on a good face tonight but I don't want to just cry or feel sad or feel lonely or feel pain. I want my wife back. I want Leigh Ann back in my life.
"Father, I know all the right answers but I guess I need to really know them. This pain that is beginning to set in is real. It's intense. It's not fair. It's not right. I can't see the goodness. I know You're near to me but I don't want that. I want Leigh Ann to spend my life with. I wanted us to grow old and see our grandchildren and die a month apart and then do Heaven together. What happened to us growing up and old together? Why would that have been so wrong? What's so terrible about watching my wife love our children? What's so wrong about watching our children really grow up strong because they had a mother who loved on them? I was ok up until the moment I realized Leigh Ann will never come back and unless you take me soon I'll wait a long time to see her. And if you did take me soon how cruel would that be to three children who need a mom and a dad? You've taken mom already. So when's my turn? I don't get it and I'm not a fan right now of saying it's all in Your plan. I know it is but whatever the plan is it didn't include Leigh Ann living past 35. That's brutally cold especially when You give her three children and then take her life? How easy it would have been for You to change one minute of the plan. I didn't know I had to pray for that. I can't see Your goodness. Infact all I see is Your taking Leigh Ann from our family. You have allowed my wife to die and You've allowed my kids to live without a mother. And You've allowed me to not have a wife. And You've allowed Leigh Ann to not be a mother any longer to her children. How incredibly wrong is that? I'm not content. And I know You don't need me to be content but I'm not ok with this."