Day 7

March 13, 2010
4:48 p.m.
Day begins and then from 10:00 a.m. on there have been family and friends over. Each one just wanting to "stop by." I'm so wanting to get away by myself and just rest or do work or veg. Caden has been on me to "go, go, go." Wanting to know what we're doing for Spring Break, where we're going, all the details. He asked me why I didn't take him golfing last week when I said I would. First time I've been upset with him. I felt like saying, "Cade I found out my wife had been murdered in a car crash, I've had to plan a funeral, figure out how to do life as a single parent, deal with everyone and their mother, oh and cry like I've never cried before – how 'bout cutting me a break?" But then I think about how a 10 yr old just lost his mother and it all comes back to extending each other some patience and grace.
I think there will be more times to come when I'm going to have to share my feelings and he likewise. We'll grieve differently. He just doesn't know how tired I am. He just doesn't know how much my heart hurts.
But here we are. I need to understand that he's trying too.
My mom, dad, brother, Karen, cousin Laurie, aunt Lynn, cousin Larissa, Ryan, Megan, and others just left. Now it's shower and over to Larry/Peggys to sit around, eat, and pass the time. Julie/Eric, Andra/Jer, Jarrod/Sara are supposed to come as well. Then I'm taking the kids to church. That actually turned into my brother, Karen, their kids, my dad, Gloria, cousin Laurie, aunt Lynn, mom, and her friend Marci also coming.
I'm beginning to reach my break point where I'm going to have to kick people out and just be here. Everyone is so worried for me which I appreciate. Just running low on energy, grace, and kindness.
I miss you so much honey. My heart is constantly hurting. I need you to help me parent these kids. I love them so much but the job is too much for me. And I know family wants to step in, but I really need my wife Leigh Ann. I need us to parent together.