Day 5

March 11, 2010
1:25 p.m. Today will be the first time I'll see Leigh's "old" body since Friday. Spent time with the kids last night talking to them about how Mommy has left her "old" body and that she's enjoying Heaven in her "new" body. And that tonight all we'll be seeing is a shell that housed Mommy's spirit/heart/soul. They seemed to understand and it actually helped me prepare for tonight. Kenny Vernon just sat in our living room and played a song (I think he wrote it) for me, Mom, Gene, and Mary. Very beautiful song. Things like that. Never happened before and I was good with that. Now it's a daily thing. Scott said I've got meals scheduled for the next month and a half.
I love you so much and I'm not going to enjoy however many days God has for me. But I do want to run the race well. I want to finish well. I want to proclaim Him to others. But it kills me to think I will grow closer to Him at your expense. You know in a heartbeat I'd trade places with you. I don't want you to be the cause of anything. But what's done is done and I can't change it. So I have to move forward each day with the responsibilities God has given me. Raising three children, teaching the Word to HS students, preaching Him to others. And may I do it well. I want you to so be my guide in Heaven. I want to worship with you, talk with you, walk with you, explore with you, enjoy new things with you. Heaven is supposed to be huge so please, please, please, don't do too much exploring before I get there. I'm thinking you know when my last day will be. I'm selfishly hoping you'd be excited for my arrival. I know I've screwed up so many days here on Earth for you. Selfish, greedy, sinful. And I'm so sorry for that. I want to make it up to you. I want to love you the way you deserved to be loved. I know we won't be married but I do think we'll be close. I do think that you'll be someone I will want to talk with and laugh with and enjoy worshipping with. Nobody knows me like you do. And my desire is that nobody will. That I will live out my days as a parent who loves his children and someone who people know that loves his Savior. And I want to promote you to everyone. I want your life to be known to everyone.
"Father help me forgive the man who killed Leigh Ann. Help me not to be angry. Help me to get through tonight and tomorrow."