Day 18

Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Day 18 without Leigh – exhaustion slowly starting to creep in. The minute I say this I'm sure a host of people would jump in their cars and get on a plane and come over to relieve me of whatever it is that's draining me. Therein lies the problem. It's not a matter of fixing this one issue over here, or solving this one problem over there. All of this – everything that has resulted from Leigh's death – is connected and intertwined and meshed into this "one massive thing." And the "one massive thing" can otherwise be labeled as "my life."
I know I'll need to be a better manager of my time. I know I'll need to say "no" more often. I know I'll need to learn to lean on those close to me (and even on those not so close to me). But much of the "one massive thing" rests on an internal level, specifically two locations – my heart and my head. My heart is wounded and because it's wounded I'm susceptible to every kind of emotion. And these emotions that I feel throughout the day are flat out draining. As I've shared before my mind is now running for 18-20 hours a day at a speed of mach 3. What keeps me going isn't the "down time," because it's during those times when my mind races the most. What keeps me going is when I'm focused on getting tasks accomplished. So the rub of it all is that to clear my head a little I have to keep busy but by keeping busy I'm adding more things to my plate. More things to put on the checklist.
Bizarre.
Not to brag in any way but to have a record for Cade, Bay, Malia – money, gift cards, continue to pour in. Over $8,000 in the Memorial Fund, over $5,000 people have given to me and the kids, over $2,000 in gift cards. People are so generous and helpful. I can only hope my kids will one day know how many people are willing to support them.
One of our friends in on the Gilbert Republican Women's committee and said they want to do a fundraiser for the kids. One of my baseball players said they're going to put "LT Ps23" on the back of their helmets this year – "Leigh Tonkinson, Psalm 23." I am so honored to be called her husband. Only Leigh Ann could pull off this kind of support. People genuinely love her.
"Father, I'm still hurting and still want Leigh Ann here. But in the midst of the pain, thank You."