Day 25

Wednesday, March 31, 2010
12:25 a.m.
25 Days without Leigh – yesterday was busy, confusing, good, hard. Cried on my way into work. Seems to be the norm right now. Too much time from when I wake up to when I get to work where I don't have many people to talk to, so I end up doing a lot of thinking. This inevitably leads to weeping because my mind is flooded with any number of any topics. Why Leigh Ann? What does the future hold? How do kids do life without their mother? What will Easter look like for us? Is loneliness really this bad? Who runs into the back of someone going that fast? Did I fill out all the paperwork to get the kids on my insurance? Where did I put Bailey's social security number? What am I supposed to be teaching today? Did the kids brush their teeth? What did Leigh Ann do in Heaven yesterday? Does she miss us? Will she forget us? Can we take a summer vacation without it being a total disaster? Is this really happening? How much fabric softener should I use? Why can't Leigh Ann be a part of some of these awesome "God moments?" These plus countless other thoughts keep me company on my way to work.
Work is a refuge in many ways because I'm forced to get through my lesson plans which means I can talk about some other things from 8 a.m. – 3 p.m. The downside is I'm away from the kids. I don't get to see them wake up. I don't get to drive them to school. But having the summers off is something I don't take for granted. Very few jobs allow for that. I can't wait until May 22^nd.
Kids had counseling today. First session. I think all went well. Solid Christian counselor. We'll meet weekly for another 6 weeks or so. She said her primary objective is to help the kids identify what their emotions are and how to express them. I'll also sit in and see if I can glean some wisdom. I'm always in need of counsel, advice, and wisdom from people who have either been down this road or who have put in their 10,000 hours to master the subject of grief. Been talking with a few people who have been down this road (loss of a spouse at a fairly young age). Comforting. Yet we all end our thoughts with the same question, "Can you believe we're even having to talk about this kind of stuff?"
Aunt Reagan and Uncle Jaime came over last night to help with dinner and baths so I could attend our Care Group. Leigh and I have become good friends with our Care Group members and it was good to meet last night. Difficult only in that I couldn't help but drive to and from the meeting feeling incredibly alone. One thing Leigh and I did often was use the time driving to our Care Group to discuss our days and driving from our Care Group discussing God. The ride tonight was loudly silent. Something I feel is going to be somewhat of a norm moving forward. The people in cars next to mine must think I'm on medication. They'll either see a grown man weeping, a grown man lifting one of his hands singing praises to God and simultaneously weeping, or see a grown man talking to himself. Guess I'm glad I really don't care what they think.
Spent two hours after kissing the kids goodnight working with my lawyer on my will. I know it needs to be done but know I'm aware of one more thing that I can put on the "exhausting" list. Somewhat sobering to be talking about death and the ramifications of what would happen should I die. Feel so bad for Caden as he's mentioned several times how scared he is when I leave each morning, wondering if I'll make it home. Breaks my heart. I know creating a will needs to happen and there is a sense of comfort knowing things are being put into place should anything ever happen to me. But it is an emotionally draining nonetheless. Another reality settling in – I have sole custody of these precious children for the next 8 – 14 years. A responsibility I never wanted to assume by myself. How I wish Leigh Ann were here.
Prayer Requests –

• Easter. Huge day for us as this will be our first holiday without Leigh. Prayers that we would remember her often and at the same time enjoy the day reflecting on Jesus' resurrection.
• Caden to be resting in God's comfort that He does have everything in control.
• A positive response to weekly counseling.

"Father, thank You for Your Word. How much I'm trying to trust in its truths. How much it is getting me through each day. How much hope I have because of where I know Leigh Ann to be and that I will get to see her again. I would ask for Your help in giving me wisdom and strength. Wisdom to make right decisions for my kids. Strength to get out of bed each day and face whatever it is You have for me. Thank You for everyone who has wept with us, who have supported us, who have reached out to us, who have loved on us. I am humbled by the love we've received. Leigh Ann is so missed. Please let me know that she is being taken care of."